everything that you do is not original.
throughout the history of this world
someone has experienced what you are feeling.
written the same thing
having the same thoughts.

everything that you see will influence you
and every person you have talked to
has filled in a part of your mind .
i think there is a vacant hole in my mind
just waiting for the right memory
a person
to fill it,
the factor
that keeps me going.
sure i have people and things
that i depend on .
but in the end it seems like it will leave,
and something else will take its place.
all it does to my mind
is cause a cloud of
something that...is gray
and smothering
its not substantial.
it is so shallow that i can see through it
and know it will never last.
You know that girl i used to be best friends with
the one person that knew i had a xanga?
the person that i thought just completed me..
was that little nugget that would fill that space.
well...im not sure, but shes not there anymore.
if you dont know who im talking about and if
and it causes this,
symptom.
and i cant describe
it
not like i really want to..

all i want
is for you to
 just be there



looking at: this page, my kitty sleeping near the monitor.



smelling: how i smell..just took a shower
i have that clean just scrubbed feeling.





touching: the keys of this computer,which gives me power.
not like actual power. but something inside me sparks
when i do the whole xanga thing.





wanting: you you you you.
and a really good movie,
and cheesecake
but mostly.. you .



holding on to: some sort of hope that things in the end..
will make sense., i just want to know how to make other people...
understand me,....and stay in my life .

sooo im reading this book called the sociopath next door
and i feel like i know A TON of them..like literally not kidding
maybe not literally but i know that my mom is one..
has to be...read this..its like ..crazy..i would sort of like
having no conscience. no inner feelings of love and warmth.
no attachments.
but it seems sort of..
empty




hearing: hidaway - kareo o and the kids .
 
feeling: everything .
empathy



songs i listened to while writing this entry
- songs from where the wild things are-(karen o and the kids)
-oscar wilde - company of thieves
- i think about you everyday - a rocket to the moon
- so come back im waiting - okkervil river
- parachuca sunrise- minus the bear
- afterall - william fitzsimmons
- are you sure - willie nelson
- bon iver
- lost - anouk