I could hear the angels whispering
So I drove into the woods
And wandered aimlessly about
Until I heard my mother shouting through the fog
It turned out to be the howling of a dog
Or a wolf, to be exact
The sound sent shivers down my back
But I was drawn into the pack and before long
They allowed me to join in and sing their song
So from the cliffs and highest hills
Yeah, we would gladly get our fill
Howling endlessly and shrilly at the dawn
And I lost the taste for judging right from wrong
For my flesh had turned to fur
Yeah, and my thoughts they surely were
Turned to instinct and obedience to God

 You can wear your fur

Like a river on fire
But you'd better be sure
If you're making God a liar
I'm a rattlesnake, babe,
I'm like fuel on fire
So if you're gonna get made
Don't be afraid of what you've learned
On the day that I turned 23
I was curled up underneath a dogwood tree
When suddenly a girl
Her skin the color of a pearl
She wandered aimlessly, but she didn't seem to see
She was listening for the angels just like me
So I stood and looked about
I brushed the leaves off of my snout
And then I heard my mother shouting through the trees
You should have seen that girl go shaky at the knees
So I took her by the arm
We settled down upon a farm
And raised our children up as gently as you please
And now my fur has turned to skin
And I've been quickly ushered in
To a world that, I confess, I do not know
But I still dream of running careless through the snow
Through the howling winds that blow
Across the ancient distant flow
To fill our bodies up like water till we know
You can wear your fur
Like a river on fire
But you'd better be sure
If you're making God a liar
I'm a rattlesnake, babe,
I'm like fuel on fire
So if you're gonna get made
Don't be afraid of what you've learned

1) GO CRAZY, have a night where my thoughts dont control
what i do.



2) have a party at my house where everyone smokes joints and
watch zombie movies




3) take the car out .pick him up. and drive until we reach the woods
and have a camping trip.




4) make new friends,



  5) make a fort and read books out loud

 
6) make a bonfire in the field outside of my house
and make smores until the firemen come. and tell me
to put the fire out.



7) sleep outside.

8) hitchhike anywhere.

you can see right through me,
i try to become a rock.
a stone in your presence
i dont want you see
 to see  what i can be
how i feel right now.
because its not pretty.
i have so many conversations in my head
with you in them,telling you my deep dark secrets
tid bits of facts. what
define my true identity,.
but right before i decide
ok..this is the day im REALLY  going to put my guard down
something wrecks it
something draws out my self conscious
yet again.
yes, i could blame you
because you really are the root of why
i think of my appearance so horribly..
But this is all me.
and how i view you
i noticed......
i want you to change.
i just dont think we fit together.
and thats why i fear that
you want me to change

ijustsolved it.



you stare at me:you dont like what you see



you look at me: are you ever thinking the same thing?




when you look out the window: do you ever wonder what else
you can be.



the dreams that you dream: do you ever want to tell me what they are.







when you look around: what are you feeling.
is it close to how everyone else is feeling.
or is it something else.
something special.
 


i look at you: i dont like what i see.

i look at you: your thinking the same thing.

the dreams that i dream: are of you. always.happy.sad.bored.lazy.in love.



when i look around: all im doing is looking for you .



-im sick of your negative bullshit.
-stop complaining about your wisdom teeth..
its been fucking 3 weeks since you got them taken out
 it cant hurt THAT  bad stop being a drama queen( i know this sounds means but im sorry)
-i have more emotions then just being happy and mad..
stop asking me if  im mad at you..
maybe im fucking {sad,or moody,or tired,bored}...god dammit
- yes i like "gay" music..im sorry i dont like your stupid "rock" music that all sounds the same
yes the occasional nickelback is ok..but get some new music...........
- we havent "made out" in ...two months?
just quick kisses before you drop me off sweet but....
slame me against a wall and kiss me like im all you want at that moment
and you have to have me..be a fucking man.
- look...you might like to complain about EVERYTHING but . you dont understand that sometimes
your life is actually pretty ok. and SOMETIMES being postive is good
- NO you can not borrow my notes for EVERYTHING write your own notes for class
- you copy your best friend...like...sometimes its just cute
but other times its just weird and scary.its ok to use your own personality around him
- im sick of the movies...lets do something else
- the only compliment is about how i smell ...
thanks i know i smell good..because my perfume smells good...
but what about something thats actually...me
- being tickled every once in a while
is cute..but being squeezed on my stomach and thigh fat is not.
like...learn a new way to flirt..just makes me self concious
- maybe this list...is just to much.
and i should get a clue on ending this .but i cant
because of those rare special magic nights...

{ so come back im waiting - okkervil river}

: Rest enough for the individual man - too much, and too soon - and we call it death. But for Man, no rest and no ending. He must go on, conquest beyond conquest. First this little planet with its winds and ways, and then all the laws of mind and matter that restrain him. Then the planets about him and at last out across immensity to the stars. And when he has conquered all the deeps of space and all the mysteries of time, still he will be beginning.
: But... we're such little creatures. Poor humanity's so fragile, so weak. Little... little animals.
: Little animals. If we're no more than animals, we must snatch each little scrap of happiness and live and suffer and pass, mattering no more than all the other animals do or have done. Is it this? Or that? All the universe? Or nothingness? Which shall it be, Passworthy? Which shall it be?

movie;
.,. 

everything that you do is not original.
throughout the history of this world
someone has experienced what you are feeling.
written the same thing
having the same thoughts.

everything that you see will influence you
and every person you have talked to
has filled in a part of your mind .
i think there is a vacant hole in my mind
just waiting for the right memory
a person
to fill it,
the factor
that keeps me going.
sure i have people and things
that i depend on .
but in the end it seems like it will leave,
and something else will take its place.
all it does to my mind
is cause a cloud of
something that...is gray
and smothering
its not substantial.
it is so shallow that i can see through it
and know it will never last.
You know that girl i used to be best friends with
the one person that knew i had a xanga?
the person that i thought just completed me..
was that little nugget that would fill that space.
well...im not sure, but shes not there anymore.
if you dont know who im talking about and if
and it causes this,
symptom.
and i cant describe
it
not like i really want to..

all i want
is for you to
 just be there



looking at: this page, my kitty sleeping near the monitor.



smelling: how i smell..just took a shower
i have that clean just scrubbed feeling.





touching: the keys of this computer,which gives me power.
not like actual power. but something inside me sparks
when i do the whole xanga thing.





wanting: you you you you.
and a really good movie,
and cheesecake
but mostly.. you .



holding on to: some sort of hope that things in the end..
will make sense., i just want to know how to make other people...
understand me,....and stay in my life .

sooo im reading this book called the sociopath next door
and i feel like i know A TON of them..like literally not kidding
maybe not literally but i know that my mom is one..
has to be...read this..its like ..crazy..i would sort of like
having no conscience. no inner feelings of love and warmth.
no attachments.
but it seems sort of..
empty




hearing: hidaway - kareo o and the kids .
 
feeling: everything .
empathy



songs i listened to while writing this entry
- songs from where the wild things are-(karen o and the kids)
-oscar wilde - company of thieves
- i think about you everyday - a rocket to the moon
- so come back im waiting - okkervil river
- parachuca sunrise- minus the bear
- afterall - william fitzsimmons
- are you sure - willie nelson
- bon iver
- lost - anouk

( i flip through songs a lot so i dont listen to every
song all the way through just thought i should say that)


winston smith : It's not so much staying alive, it's staying human that's important.
What counts is that we don't betray each other.
julia:If you mean confessing,
 we're bound to do that. Everybody does. You can't help it.
winston smith:   I don't mean confessing.
 Confessing isn't betrayal. I mean feelings.
 If they can make me change my feelings.
 If they can stop me from loving you, that would be real betrayal.
Julia:They can't do that. It's the one thing they can't do.
 They can torture you, make you say anything. But they can't make you believe it.
 They can't get inside you. They can't get to your heart.